Was feeling all the feisty feels while writing this snippet, and this jam was on repeat. Would have been an epic piece to skate too...
I'm going to let you in on a secret. If you want to hurt someone: don't give a fuck. Walk away. Disappear. Burn the bridge without looking back. Nothing in this world hurts more than realizing the other person never cared.
Ninety-nine percent of the time, you actually give a lot of fucks. You're quite wounded yourself. You know all too well the tears, expletives, and meltdowns. But don't. That energy only gives validation.
If you really want to cut someone to the core. If you really want to be mean. Be silent. Be gone. Before they even realize what's happened, the bridge is a pile of ash. And from where they stand, you never cared.
Sugar and spice...and not always so nice. I've heard time and time again, "Christina you're too nice." I am. (If you know me personally and, or have heard my high-pitched princess voice over the phone, you know that I am.) People say you shouldn't burn bridges. In certain circumstances I certainly believe that to be true (oh, hello job reference!) But in others, burning a bridge is the best way to keep your heart safe. More importantly, it's the only way to stay sane.
You might be thinking, "Whoa! Where did all of this angst come from?!" A boy. Duh.
He was the antithesis of Mr. Right. He lit fires I never knew existed. He was wild.
And I've been fighting his wildfire ever since. As any seasoned California firefighter will tell you, wildfires are sneaky. Just when you feel as though the blaze is under control, the winds change. Out of no where the flames gain new energy. Inevitably just as you have forgotten them...that "like" notification arrives. ("Really?! Why.) Forgetting someone is an exhausting battle.
Sometimes, you just have to fight fire with fire.
Nothing lights a match faster than an epiphany. Mine finally came when I understood the purpose of our meeting. (An early gift this holiday season!) It was in that moment that I decided to redirect my energy. Instead of trying to extinguish the flames, I would burn his bridge and use the light to move forward.
So I'm letting it burn. All of it. All of the nostalgia. And all of the hopes. Fires are nature's way of cleaning house, and I'm using this time as a fresh start. His wildfire destroyed the image of the type of man I would marry. I'm using the light from his bridge to rewrite my non-negotiables, and throw away the "resume" mentality. (If you haven't looked at someone and ticked off the boxes of career, ambition, and good looks then you are straight up lying. Orrrrr you don't live in DC.) His wildfire cleared the superficial tinder lying around, and set the bar high. And it pains me to say this, but it was exactly what I needed.
Charred landscapes don't heal over night. And neither do we. The chemistry is hard to forget. And I curse the universe for its timing. Thanks to the stars, I now have a Great White Buffalo.
As a person who so badly wants to be in control, this is an important lesson in letting go. I believe we are granted people for pockets of time, and some loans are longer than others. The best I can do is gracefully let go of the things not meant for me. So each day I watch his bridge crumble a little more. One day at a time, I give one less fuck. So burn, baby. Burn.